Anecdotes by medical practitioners"A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So he started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts him and says, ‘Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!”
"I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment, she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter ‘because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use’.”
"Had a lady who measured her baby’s temperature by pre-heating the oven and putting one hand in front of it while the other hand was on the baby’s forehead. She told the nurse her baby’s fever was about 250 degrees.”
"Lady has to have foot amputated and is given waiver forms to sign pre-op. Buddy asks if she needs time to think about it. She’s very nonchalant and doesn’t seem to care much what they do. He gets suspicious and probes a bit as to why she’s not more concerned. She says she gets that they have to operate and it’s OK because the foot will grow back.”
"I had a couple who had been trying to conceive for over two years. I asked all the usual questions, how often do you have sex, any previous pregnancy, etc etc. Something seemed off to me during the consult, so I continued to ask questions. Finally I asked if he ejaculated while inserted into the vagina. Both parties looked confused.Turns out the couple was not having insertional sex at all. I had to awkwardly explain to them how insertional sex works. Diagrams were required.”
"Patient comes in, she’s upset. She’s pregnant, and she doesn’t understand why. She’s on the pill. Upon talking to her at great length, I find out that she only takes the pills on the days that she is sexually active – no other time.”
"Patient comes in with her bf. They are indignant, as if somehow I could’ve prevented [the pregnancy]. The problem? Well, the pills were bothering the girl’s stomach, so, being a gallant bf, he decided to start taking them instead.”
“I was explaining the treatment to the husband of a patient about to be discharged. He kept nodding and agreeing with me, but I knew it was flying over his head. Turned out a fundamental problem was that I was describing the drugs as ‘tablets’ and he had no clue what those were.”
Oh my god… I can’t decide if I should laugh or cry…
“well that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
As I reflect on what I’ve done with myself during adolescence I’m once again reminded that I don’t have any set goals. My dreams seem to change with the wind and my ambition, though relentless, has no direction nor zephyr to ride on. I want to do the right things. I want to help people and change lives while building upon my own. I have a mixture of lame and self-fulfilling hobbies that without any practice I have yet to master. A profession in what I love is improbable as I have yet to excel during any circumstances. I’m lost and I feel alone. I’m hungry. No. I’m starving for more in my life. I need more. There is a shackle on my ankle and I carry the ball with chain over my shoulders. There is snake whispering whimsical woeful worries wrapped down to my wrist. And a mark of madness imprinted upon my right hand. Only my left hand brings me any respite. The dreams flow through its fingers and my soul returns every shade of green and gold into my heart. But the heart is fickle, it trickles, and tickles and ticks and tocks, always keeping my days numbered in a book of mortality I’ve heard only in the whispers of forgotten men. There is no value in what I write. Just ramblings of a restless rogue ravaged and reared by reality. I’m sad. I’m a recluse that projects an image of self worth upon the world….
I frequently mispronounce words that I read because no one ever says them out loud.